One day at a time is the recovery mantra of the alcoholic.  But it is also the dysfunctional mantra of those who live with practicing alcoholics.

If I can just get through today, maybe tomorrow it will all be over.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and it will all prove to be a bad dream.  Living one day at a time is what kept me living in the sickness of codependency.  Only letting myself think about today is what kept me from really facing the quality of life I had in my marriage.  It was this hopeless hope that got me through the day but kept me drowning in the sickness.  If I just keep quiet today maybe tomorrow I won’t need to say anything.  If I just wait one more day, maybe there will be proof that I am wrong or that things are going to get better without me having to stir anything up.  Without me exposing myself to hurt and harm and hate and ridicule.  Without me having to see the eyes that seem to despise me.  The face that says I am exaggerating, again.  The body language that accuses me of making something out of nothing.  Without me risking that the one I love will leave me.  Or stop loving me.  Or even hate me.

9 years ago, this is the life I was living.  I walked on eggshells nearly every waking moment, desperately trying not to rock the boat I called marriage.  I praise God for not allowing me to continue in that unhealthy lifestyle, even though He snatched me from it, in what seemed at the time, a very brutal fashion.

Thanks to God, my pastor, my counselors, loving friends and family, I am a stronger, healthier person now.  I no longer live life in denial one day at a time.

Dear friends and family,

The above is taken from my personal journal and updated.  Many of you have never had to live under the influence of alcoholism or an alcoholic.  It’s hard for you to understand how a person continues to live with an alcoholic–why they don’t put their foot down or walk out of the marriage.  For me, the excerpt above explains how I “survived” for 8 years.  I’m sharing it with you today because the time feels right.  Maybe it helps you to understand me or someone you know a little bit better.

Responses:

Thanks for sharing.  I’m glad you feel stronger and healthier now but I’m sad that you didn’t feel like you could reach out to me when you were in survival mode.  I hope you never experience pain like that again.  Please know that I love you and I’m here for you.  Love, Peggy

Thank you for sharing that.  I love you.  Dad

I am really sad that you had to live with TWO alcoholics!  Love, me (Mom)

Your post touched me way down deep.  I remember saying to myself, where there is life, there is hope.  But that was all there was, was hope.  Alcoholism is such a terrible disease.  It affects everyone around the person.  I played the co-dependent for a while but eventually realized this was killing me.   My children were also suffering and I told myself that I was staying so they would be able to go to college.  Oh my, what illusions we cultivate in our agony.

My Dear, I had no idea you were suffering this kind of life.  I am glad the time was right for you to share this.  I am also glad you have grown to the point that you wanted to share this.  None of us are islands.  Love and hugs,  Ann

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.

Shakespeare

Dear Laura, I feel compelled to respond to you on this.  I had no idea.  There were some in the family that were surprised that I was an alcoholic.  But, that is part of the pain suffered by a couple affected by alcoholism, the isolation created by the shame.

My home group is one on a Friday night that has a sister program at the same time.  I picked that group because of the affiliation with the Alanon group, and my sponsor’s wife is in the Alanon group.  We have several couples that go to the meeting regularly, and the two groups do a lot of things together.  We are the only AA couple (both alcoholics) I know right now.  By being around the Alanons and hearing their stories I have gained a great deal of understanding about how much we can really hurt those around us.  My wife has a sister and a brother in recovery, and her dad now has 24 years.  Her sister said that living with their dad was like tip toeing around the house trying not to wake up the Bear sleeping on the couch.

I realized when I did my ninth step with my 3^rd wife that all I was really giving her was the acknowledgement that “her impressions of our relationship were real”.  That the spouse lives in a world of “doubt” and “apprehension” created by the alcoholics ever changing rules of engagement.  That they don’t want to believe what they are experiencing.  I realized that I was an expert at deflecting everything back on her.  That I lived in a world of projection and blame, and was good at it, and she was my target.  That living in a world with Dr Jekyll, and Mr. Hide, never knowing who was going to walk through the door, creates a “Mad” and “Crazy” world for a spouse to try to live in.  All I was really saying to her was, “No you were not crazy.”

I am very thankful that you were able to share this with us, that, in and of itself, shows a lot of recovery has gone on for you.  Any while you may never hear it from him, take it from someone what has sat in thousands of AA meetings and hundreds of Alanon speakers meetings, “No Laura, you were not crazy.”  Love you very much,   Lloyd (20 years sober)

Thanks for sharing Laura, it sounds like it was a difficult time for you.  I can so relate, I had a similar relationship with Dillon’s dad.  Thank god we are strong enough women to say, Enough!  My timing could have been better or quicker, but at least I stopped the insanity and did’nt allow my son to learn the same behavior.  There are so many people that continue to live their lives day in and day out with that type of behavior.  Thank goodness, we stopped it.

Laurie

Thank you,  After a few tears of feeling your pain, I think how some wise person (my dad) told me that some marriages are a selection that lands in bad luck of how your mate turns out to be.  His support I value.  Bill

This is very powerful. Thank you for sharing it! I’m just so sorry that you endured so much pain and grief for so long. And if you are willing to say, I’m wondering about how God snatched you from your marriage brutally. I feel so terrible for you and I’m so glad that you have your friends, counselors, pastor and God to rely on. I’m glad you are no longer “living one day at a time” in an unhealthy way.  Love, Theresa

My response:  Some may not consider my situation brutal.  But it felt that way to me at the time.  I came home to a note one day from my ex-husband telling me he didn’t think he wanted to be married anymore.  He’d packed a bag and left and I didn’t know where he was.  About a week later, we met briefly and all he had to say was that he wanted a divorce.  He gave no reasons, no opportunity to try to work things out, etc.  I was devastated.  I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.  For over a year, I believed that a reconciliation was possible, even though I had almost no contact with him (his choice).  About nine months after he left, I put together some pieces and found out that he had left me for another woman but didn’t have the guts to tell me that.  I never imagined that he would have an affair.  It blew my world to pieces.  I was an emotional wreck for well over a year.  The only thing I really did ok at was my job–that was my refuge.

Theresa’s reply:  I would consider that situation brutal. That’s like something you see in the movies, but don’t think really happens. I’m so sorry for you. But on the other hand, I agree it was a blessing in disguise. You do sound so much more healthy and happy now!

And I’m not sure if I knew your mom was an alcoholic. It seems like something I may have heard, but didn’t really think about, because I like to see the best in people and I always liked your mom. However, now that I’m an adult, I can imagine how hard that must have been on you (and the rest of your family). If you want to send me more emails about that, I’d be really interested, but of course I don’t want to pry and I realize it’s intensely personal.  Love, Theresa

WOW, Laura!  It’s times like these that I praise God for His abundant and sufficient healing!  I believe I first met you in early 2002 and came to know about your circumstances.  What a leap you have made from then to now.  And the good news is that, once we realize our past dysfunction, learn from it, change through it & grow in it, we can continue to move forward in a more enlightened and knowledgeable fashion.  God is so good, and YOU ARE PROOF OF THAT! YOU ROCK, GIRLFRIEND! Your faithful servant in Christ, Nina

Thank you for sharing such a personal excerpt from your journal.  I did not know what you were going through. I am glad that God has delivered you from that situation. I will be praying that this excerpt touches others who may be experiencing the same situation.  May God Bless You and pour His love out to you. Love ya, Marie

I love you Laura. Thank you for sharing this. You are an awesome Woman!! Love Debbie

Thanks for sharing that with me, Laura.  You have certainly come a long way in seven years! Love, Don

Laura – thank you for sharing this with me.  It does help me to understand a little better.  Love you, Arleen

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